I think am going to be crazy. I shouldn’t involve with anyone right now and focus on what is important . I remember I told somebody that am not looking for any relationship right now, not even within 6 months or more. I know that I broke his heart. In my heart I know that I can’t find anybody else better than him, that can love as much as he do, that willing to do what he did. But, I know its impossible even I force myself at that time of point. I still bleed from my relationship with my husband.
And now, just seperated with my husband officially 3 months now. Three months ago still looking at his face and hoping that our little family will survive. At least for our daughter. But, deep inside I know that would be impossible. We have nothing left to fight. It is a hard decision, even until now still wondering if am doing the right thing. But, at certain point I know that this is the better way. Not only for me, but for everyone of us.
God knows how much it hurt. I don’t think anybody can imagine how much it hurt, how much the pain…..Since the beginning until now…I can’t believe I still cry in the middle of the night thinking about what he did to us. The effect too great to everybody around us. To me, it change me forever. The way I look at guys, the way am thinking, the way I bring myself. It totally change me to whole new person. Don’t even know who is this person. Can you believe that I try to understand, knowing and loving myself again? How on earth, I can involve with any other guy when I barely know myself. I know, even a tiny single thing will shake me up and makes me feel hurt again. And it really really scare me off….
This is more like to remind myself….that if I found myself alone in the future and wondering why am I alone and feel so lonely. That because, am too scare with relationship, its hurt and almost unbearable. I don’t think I will ever get over it. And its not fair for the other guy.....
Let me be me again, let me recover and heal myself. I just need time. I just need to be me again for the better life ahead. And along the way if there somebody that could walk with me and hold me along the journey, that would be a bless and so much as a gift!
