Believe it or not, this year I read more books than I could have imagine. Thanks to BBW last year. I have stop reading historical romance long time ago. I couldn't help but notice their stereotype of story structure. Now my reading including so many genre of books. I read romantic comedy, horror, suspense thriller, motivation, history, bibliography etc. But among all, this particular book that my friend lend me giving me most powerful impact to my emotion. It called "Mayada Daughter Of Iraq" by Jean Sasson. Never in my life I read such a book!

What is this book all about? This book about a lady who born into the most influential Iraqi family. As a muslim, alone in Baghdad and divorced with two kids, living under Sadam Hussein's power, it is a real struggle to her. Things get worse when she was  accused of producing anti-government propaganda, she was arrested and dragged to dreadful prison in Baladiyat. Every stories from Mayada in the books making me shaking my head in disbelief. The tortured, the greediness, the violation of human right, the discrimination and so on,  I have to turn to first page to make sure this is a true story and it really happened. I can't imagine living in that situation. At one point, in the middle of the book I thought I will stop reading this book, but I can't...so I continue with my 'heavy' heart and finish it. Lucky it had a happy ending for Mayada and her family, otherwise I will be heart broken!

It remind me of what my ex husband told me, that I am a person who living in Utopia. There are so many terrible things happen around us...and either am too lucky I never encounter any, or am too ignorance to look more closely with both my eyes and feel it with my heart. 

All these time, I thought that am living in a safe environment, well maybe a little danger of thief , robbery or any other accident...but it never occur to me in the other side of the world people can be so violence and shockingly 'heartless' in so many ways. Jean and Mayada has open another new perspective on how I see the world. The religion as how I know it before, a women as the minority among the majority, a miracle to people who have beliefs, knowledge versus beliefs versus perception versus faith versus rationality....well I won't talk more detail about this. I just left it to people to read and feel it with their heart and see with with their mind and digest it with their best knowledge and all their heart. Anyhow, I still believe every human being created and born with 'human' character and human instinct. Deep inside there a 'human feeling' shining like a diamond that separate us from animal, it just being covered by dirty mud coming from all direction. 

Till then, have good reading fella!

15 July 2014
Today is holiday day for KL. I look forward for this day since few weeks ago mainly because this is the only time I can get my assignment done. I found myself too overwhelming with what is going on around me that I did not plan as much, I did not pririotize my works and my study even my family. All I did...just go with the flow. But, at the back of my mind I know that I need to get my work done and my assignment done. My daughter at the least of my priority list these days because she always spending time with her father on the weekend. We saw each other on weekdays when I came back from work. Usually one hour before she went to bed. Well, it doesn't concern us much at the moment.

But that not the point that I want to talk about. The point is, what I found today...I found something really deep inside of me that almost makes my tears flowing down to my cheeks. I had to wake up early today because I had counseling session with my classmate for our assignment, Roz at her house. Today would be our last session after two week consistently seeing each other for the session. I know am quite late, but I taking my own sweet time to get ready because in my mind I was occupied with what our session would be today, what to talk and how to proceed with our session with more effective than the last session we had.

Our session went well despite than few distraction happened during the session because the workers come to paint her house. But everything else went well. At the end, when we ended our session Roz handed me few article about binge and eating disorder. Surprise I had that problem? Yes I am having the problem right now. She also handed me one magazine that she one of editor there. It's a Health and Well Being magazine called 'bodymindsoul', and it was their first publication. I was honor to have the first volume for this kind of magazine. There are not much this kind of magazine in our country. It is a good effort to come up with this kind of concept when the country need it the most. I said it because, I also actually looking for a good magazine with such concept and found very less magazine that interest me in the same line.

When I drove off from her place I was thinking what to eat because it lunch time and I was hungry. So, I stop at my regular place Oldtown White Coffee. As I open my notebook to start my assignment, I looking back to the magazine that Roz handed me earlier. I just checking through the content when I read her review on one book about the journey in her marriage lives. As I read it, i was touched by her reflection's on the book. It remind me of my own situation and experiences.

Who could have guess I reach to this point of life after what I've been through in my lives? Get married, experiences living with in laws, deal with dysfunctional husband, cope with the extra marital committed by my ex husband, cope with my career conflicts, separated with my husband and so on. But yet, here I am, at this point of lives. I believe every decision I made lead me to here, to where I am right now. But in fact, awhile ago I have the irrational believe that I tend to make a 'self-destructive-decision' that lead me to a horrible result. The irrational belief as expected, never help us in any way. However, with a little courage, with a lot of support and help from friends and family, here I am finally and officially divorced, a single mother with one kid, living with family members with the intention to take care of my mom, full time employee, recognize with my area of scope of work in my organization, and a student in Master of counseling.

Am I happy with my life right now? I must admit that I am slowly accept the life that I live in. I am happy with my live now. More happier than the time when I got married to my husband. Even better, I never remember when I am more happier than now. I must admit alot of thing made me worried sometime, but from the point of where I am right now I pretty confidence i am on the right path - kind of promise me that am going to have a fulfill life afterwards. How you know that you on the right path? It is when you feel the positive energy in everything you do and people that surround you :-).

So when I read my friend comments in her review, it also reflect my situation. It remind me how hard for me to get here. To come out from bottom of the mud and finally made it to the surface and became the lotus itself. Along the journey, I was so negative, thinking negative and behave negative. I turn my back from my best friend and keep things on my own inside of my chest. I don't even share it with my family members. I did not makes friend and isolate myself in my own 'cave' and i remember that I was crying almost every night that time. My performance at work was questionable, i have very few friends that can be trusted and my family was worried about me. I even fight almost everyday with my ex-husband. It was a darkest phase of my life that sometime I question myself what is the purpose of my life? Why am I exist in this world? Most of the time I was so stress and feel exhausted and it cross my mind, wouldn't it more easier if I just died?

Maybe I had enough of everything around me. Gradually I come out and pulled myself out from the situation. Slowly I found the meaning of everything happened around me even all the people around me. Suddenly it doesn't feel so overwhelming anymore. I open myself up to more people, I turn back to my friends and my family, I found my spiritual meaning of life and open my door to re-connect myself with people around me. This time with more positive energy. Along the way I meet a lot of great people that makes me wonder, why am I never open my door sooner before? These great people such as my friends , my classmate, my colleagues, good fellow from church....has open my eyes and my mind. If I willing to open myself up, they are more people willing to get in touch with the positive side of me. My friends never stop supporting me in any way they could be, re-connection with my colleagues makes my lives in office more bearable and fun, I never forgot my family support in a way they can support me, my new friends from my classmate all are great people from great background. It such an honor to learn together with them. I just hope that we will continue our friendship. My fellowship from the church and all ready to get in touch with me in the spiritual level. And not to forget, a special one person who always there in every stage of my struggle to find my happiness. Support me and cherish me in anyway he can.

In other word, yeah...I am ready to climb up to another stage of my lives. No one can promise and foresee what is going to happen in the future. But this time, I know that I fully equipped and can't wait to move forward fully swing ;-). My advise to people out there, be positive in every situation you had right now, no matter how bad is your condition. Nobody can cure or help you other than yourself. When you are ready, open yourself to every possibilities out there. You never know what you going  to find, and if you live in positive way and positive manner, you will attract more positiveness into your lives. And if the main door in your life closed upon you, do not be afraid, look around...there are alot more door waiting for you. All you need is just to turn the handle and open the door. You'll be surprise with what you see and how you feel about it.

Jakarta Short Trip

It was a short trip to Jakarta. We went for two days two night over the weekend. We never plan the trip and it happen out of our spontaneous action....as usual.

It started with my friend Dolly who having a crisis that time. She call me, and then I call Angela and then Dolly call Angela, and wallah...within a week time we in the heart of Jakarta. We had a good time, as usual when get together, there is a long long conversation, food, shopping, drinking, gossiping...when combined it become US :).

Here some of the pictures there:

Drinking Session

Food fiesta :p

Am not kidding...we really shop!

Having a good 'coffee' in Hardrock Jakarta :))

2013 in memories

It's time to wrapped up, say good bye and welcome 2014. Before that, there are alot of thing happen in 2013. It the most challenging year for most of us. Lucky I was not alone for this whole process. I really highly appreciate my friends all around me. They keep me going and holding on. For those people who tend to mess with my head, my mind and heart...well, I would like to say thank you too. Because of you all I know that I am a strong person, having a chance to knowing myself and appreciate that I am actually better than them, and most importantly I found my new love and passion. I guess, it is true everything happen has a reason. Glad mine with a good reason.

I know there still long journey to go and hard work to do, with alot of investment and sacrifice in terms of resources, energy, time and family quality time...I certainly feel much more better and confidence now. I know that I am on the right path and direction.

2013 certainly the most challenges yeas but it does leave alot of good memories behind. We cry, we laugh, we work hard, we play hard too, hard time keep on coming, we persistent and be happy. This is live. A real life. Not fake life. Not showing off. We are what we are and I am proud of my good fellow around me, and of course me myself! :-).

Some of my good memories and good fellow:

We won 13th place among 87 group compete in Treasure Hunt

Hahaha....mass massages activities

One of silly moment we had

My drinking buddy, siaw chabor who always have things to say and done!

Good to have some back up in case of emergency :)

Nice moment we create for this year. Should have more in the future!

Great to have some support system in office. Glad to have them :)

Spend most of the time with these people at work!

BFF: We've been through alot together, thick and thin for a long long period of time. 

Some people just simply important to me; Mom who always support me and lovely nephew who never fail to amuse me :)

They are my family, and will always be...

The most important person, precious person in my life. Can't imagine my life without her. Symbol of of my strength and the power of love

Simply the prove of well being and existent :p

Okay here i am after few months of quiteness :p. I told my friend I would totally update my blog, but time pass by too fast, I can't do much sometime. Do I need time management now? :P.

Anyway, lets started with last December. It is where i stop my blog last time. December 2013 is the most busiest month I ever had in 2013. I have too much activities especially over the weekend. The first week I was booked by Aeya and the Gang. We promised to do a 'groceries' shopping at the mine that weekend. At first I don't understand why do they need to bring luggage? even ask me to bring trolley bag together. Instead of my curiosity, I still bring mine. They said, going to be crowded with people, so better we make an entrance by midnite. So, meet up early just to have late dinner and how many round of drink then off we go. In my heart I tell myself am not going to shop a lot. Five books top! But wallah....!

Pic taken from BBW Fb

We entered the place around 2.00 am and finish make our final call at about 6.00 am, and there are still a lot more books to check out! A lot of people still around that time. Some of them holding one box at one other hand and their small baby at the other. Well, at least there are people more crazy than us and more nerd than us!

These only my books, not include Darlene's and my little sister's books. I fall in love for the first time with the place, so I went there again for second and third time. What a nerd! ahaks!!

I just finish 3 books and still have a lot more to read. I don't think am going to read anytime soon. There are some other massive reading need to do at least until this April!

They are going to have another sales this month, and my dear friend Za already plan to go with me. Not sure whether going or not due to changes of my busy schedule starting next week.

Darlene spending a week at 'Kampong' and back only on 7th December. So we celebrate her birthday on Sunday, just with family member. Her father came bring a big size, match her taste-type of cake. It does make her happy though everyone of the family member was there to celebrate with her including my little sister.


 

 A week after that we had Gothic Party Theme, for the first time of my life. I did some experiment on the make up before the real day. Believe me, you don't want to see. At first all of us thinking it just another party between colleagues. But everyone become serious about it. Some of them even went to saloon to do a total 'make over'. We had a good time despite than few people staring at us with weird looking face.

   
    

We had the party at the Mall's Karaoke. Just imagine a group of people walk around the Mall with that kind of outfit and make up among all the other shoppers.

For me, I put jacket and shades on to make it less obvious. That still attract people to look at me! The most craziest moment. Hahaha!

A week after I didn't go anywhere, because the only time I had for myself to clean the house before Christmas. My family members all went to Bentong, just left me and my little brother at home. I did alot of shopping and moving things here there at home. A day after I got muscle strain!

I went to work a day before Christmas. Seriously not in the mood of joining the 'gym-ng' session with my colleagues. I had drinking almost every weeks since early December. Seriously thinking of stop drinking next year...errr...maybe less lah. So, the day before Christmas I had relax and easy evening with my friend. It more like a 'date' with her. Hahaha! We had late lunch and talk for the whole evening before I went home. At night we have some eating fiesta at home. Darlene's father and his friends came join us. They did some barbecue outside of the house. My mom really enjoy the whole night. A day after Christmas I took a day off. Finally I rest after a whole busy month!

Not planning to go anywhere on New Year eve. Am not going to squeeze myself in any crowd! So just stay at home, be a good Mom, daughter and Sister to my family members :-).

The Ex and Mr. G

What a chaos week I had. I hope the following week better...

I've been closer to person name G lately. I really respect and look up at him. I think he some sort of my savior. However, my perspective of him change by end of the week.

He'd been quite for few days since our last meeting, and once I got to know he facing some difficulties, I try to reach him. But he keep on avoiding me and shut himself off from me. Well, I take it as he need space and time for himself.

Unfortunately, at the very same time my ex, out of blue whatsapp me. Talking about he being black magic and he is suffering because of it. My clever instinct asking myself, why so out of sudden he talk about all this to me? While all these time we not really talking. If we talking, we will talk about money and our daughter. That it. But that day he kind of open to me. The more we talking, the more I got the feeling that he actually suspect me black magic him. True enough after that he giving me a hint that he going to see 'someone' next week, he said he wants that 'someone' to pray for him and the black magic shall return back to the sender. And that also he advice whoever the person black magic him to stop, otherwise she will pay for the 'price', he said.

Well, ok I get his hint. He not sure who black magic him, but he suspect me, so he decided to warn me. He actually really wants to use  black magic to whoever the person who did it to  him.

Since I can see actually he try to hint me, I just play along. But deep down my first thought is he must be imagine things or maybe he just stress and got sick. He need a doctor. But as our conversation go more deeper and he actually try to warn me, I got angry at him. Well, I always angry at him. So, I try to calm down. But what if he really go to black magic guy? Not a priest or pastor? What if he actually went to the wrong 'guy' and he sort of giving my name because he suspect me? What if the black magic guy don't care whoever did it to him, he just want to complete his task and ask a name from my stupid-dead-brain ex husband? What if he they just use the suspect as their target???? Gosh....I got panic!

Good enough the next day, he put his whatapps status another hint which I think directly to me. He said black magic has punish my family and better I stop before it's too late! No way he giving a hint to someone else, because he knows my family well and we talk what happen to my family members before. So that night I check with him. I ask him if he found the person that he suspect. He said 'Not yet'. Hmmm....ok. Then I ask him, if he don't know who the person, then why he put a status like that? Like he knows the person and the entire family. Well, I can tell there is some 'kam cheong' punya answer. He just said 'simply, who knows she might be one of my ex-gf'. I didn't know he still keep in touch with all his ex gf. How much ex gf he knows, as well as the family of the girl? Well, whatever. But from the sound of his language, he talking about me and my family. But the thing is, he still want to use the black magic.

Ok, now is panic time. I seriously don't know what to do. My ex's brain is the same with dead chicken brain. I don't know if it's functioning. I try to stay positive by telling myself the actual person who did it will get it back from him. But my mind too hardworking! I keep on thinking all the worst thing could happen to me. So, I talk to my friends. Well, they have different answers from different angles, different views.

First, they ask me to go find black magic myself. Not to do anything, but to protect myself from anything bad coming to me. Another friend said, go for it as long it will calm me down and for my peaceful mind's sake. Since I close with G and he my inspiration, I thought I can check with him too. Uh oh...bad timing. He ask me back,  "what is this black magic thing?" and "don't scare me, am not stable now". I immediately said sorry and tell him that am going to get help somewhere else. He just said "OK". WTF?!! so much of the caring and inspiration?!! Damn!

Anyway, I just too busy to think of anything else. I just let it be...for the moment. So, continue with my friends advices. I got another view which giving me a really deep thought. Well, long story cut short, finally I got an answer on what to do. Safe, not involve black magic at all, my mind at ease. I feel better. But if my ex really wants to use black magic on me because he suspects, I really can't stop him. I know now that am not afraid because I know where I stand. He the one should be afraid because no matter what his purpose to use black magic, it will turn back to him one day. Worst, he might have to facing his penalty from The Almighty One. Just pray he didn't use it. Better if he just find a way to heal himself. Don't know what kind of sickness he has, but 101% sure he is sick.

So, on that moment, I realize something. I do feel like am struggling ALONE, but at the end I have friends around me. I surrounded by alot of good friends....good people and I really thankful for that. I might do not have anything. I don't have property, money or status in society, but I do have good people around me as my friends, I have a daughter who is here with me and loves me, I still my job to keep me going, I have a house and a car that I pay with my earn living money. I am thankful for all that. And coincidently, this is thanksgiving time. So, I wanted to share with my good fellow in whatsapp, that I feel loved and I update my status to  "there is so much to be thankful for..". Little I know that it will give a wrong impression to someone.

Someone I mean is G. Early next morning he whatsapp me something sound sarcastic. He said he glad that I can resolve my problem using black magic. I feel offended, I feel angry and freaking mad. I feel offended because I did not use black magic. I feel angry because, instead of asking how am I with my problem he accusing me, and I am mad because it finally confirm what kind of person he is.  I look up at him for nothing. He not my savior, he just make things more complicated, and the worst part is I let him.

What make me even more mad? I finally found that I let him enter my life unconsciously...this kind of person. After my separation with my ex, I prefer to a temporary & flexible type or relationship. I want to make it to be like that until emotional take over and that is when things get complicated. For a moment I thought I can make it to the 'real' one. But who I want to kiddin, we start wrong, we go along with the wrong concept wrong foundation. No way for us to survive this....don't know whether I should call it as a relationship. I am not a relationship expert, but I certainly not in one.

I just too angry that I deleted and block his number from my phone and my watsapp. Before that of course fire him back. Don't know whether he get it or read it. I just don't care. I hope I don't have to see him in any part of this world. I am angry with him. He suppose to know what kind of person I am after so long. At least being nice to ask how am I. I the only one who get worry about him when he said he emotionally not stable. Being 'keepochi' keep on calling him, and he obviously keep on avoiding. Well, maybe actually he try to avoid me because he is busy with someone else. So he just create it to bar me so he will get more space and time with her. Hmm....as usual me with my trusting problem. But who to blame?

Then immediately he update his status to something like, when at difficult time one will show their true colors. Nice.... I got two sarcastic status on whatsapp within one week, few days apart! But, somehow, I just thought it the other way around. Both of them, it's like the status talking about them. It just they don't know it yet. The first one, if you use black magic, the punishment...will back to you too. The second, the only true color I can see is who is G...he just reveal himself. He is selfish, only thinking about himself and too self centered. He is too weak to handle his own life, and yet he have a lot more awaits in front of him. Well, with that kind of attitude...I will say...Good Luck G!

Cold Sore

I have this so call "Cold Sore" at the corner of my mouth. This is not my first attack this year and I started to get annoyed by it. Usually it will take few days to heal itself, but this time it longer and more pain.

So I decided to see doctor to seek some advice. The doctor ask me if I have this condition before within 6 months. I told her, yes I have it several time this year. Then, on she explain that this is what we call as cold sore.

Not my lips ar...just an example of
nasty outbreak of Cold Sore

If you Google, you'll find a lot of information about it. Cold Sore also known as Fever Blisters. When I Google, some of articles relate it with oral sex...which as far as I remember and in my best sober knowledge all these time...I don't have any. Boyfriend pun takdak!

Anyway, doctor said, other reason could be I sharing food or utensil with someone who have it. I don't see anyone have it around me. Right now it only me. So on and on she explain...it also could happen when you are stress, too much exposure to sunlight, menstruation, etc, etc...can't remember what else she told me. But this one could be true. I am stress with work and home. Not sure about the sunlight though... The shocking part is she said, there is one type of virus causing the cold sore and it cannot be cured. I rolling my eyes in front of her. When it happen, that mean you have this virus in your body, and the virus most likely will attack you at your most vulnerable time such as your immune system very low at the time or when you stress too much. And this thing can attack you few times a year!

Woa...that mean I have this virus inside of me. Well, the good thing, at least now I know what it is that keep on 'visiting' me once a while. So next time when it 'visit' me again I know what to do to prevent it to surface.

Just to share few tips if you have this thing as well. You will know it will coming because you can feel the tingling  burning sensation on your mouth (it always attack at the same area). So either you can apply the cream the doctor gave to you or can pat an ice to it for few minute until the sensation feeling go away. If you lucky the bump won't come out. If not...then you have to see doctor to get some medication. Like me now..i am on medication that I have to take every 3 hours a day...haish...susahnya.

Since I will live with this thing keep on visiting me in the future...so I guess I have to find more info and how to prevent the outbreak....hmmm...any other good tips?