15 July 2014
Today is holiday day for KL. I look forward for this day since few weeks ago mainly because this is the only time I can get my assignment done. I found myself too overwhelming with what is going on around me that I did not plan as much, I did not pririotize my works and my study even my family. All I did...just go with the flow. But, at the back of my mind I know that I need to get my work done and my assignment done. My daughter at the least of my priority list these days because she always spending time with her father on the weekend. We saw each other on weekdays when I came back from work. Usually one hour before she went to bed. Well, it doesn't concern us much at the moment.

But that not the point that I want to talk about. The point is, what I found today...I found something really deep inside of me that almost makes my tears flowing down to my cheeks. I had to wake up early today because I had counseling session with my classmate for our assignment, Roz at her house. Today would be our last session after two week consistently seeing each other for the session. I know am quite late, but I taking my own sweet time to get ready because in my mind I was occupied with what our session would be today, what to talk and how to proceed with our session with more effective than the last session we had.

Our session went well despite than few distraction happened during the session because the workers come to paint her house. But everything else went well. At the end, when we ended our session Roz handed me few article about binge and eating disorder. Surprise I had that problem? Yes I am having the problem right now. She also handed me one magazine that she one of editor there. It's a Health and Well Being magazine called 'bodymindsoul', and it was their first publication. I was honor to have the first volume for this kind of magazine. There are not much this kind of magazine in our country. It is a good effort to come up with this kind of concept when the country need it the most. I said it because, I also actually looking for a good magazine with such concept and found very less magazine that interest me in the same line.

When I drove off from her place I was thinking what to eat because it lunch time and I was hungry. So, I stop at my regular place Oldtown White Coffee. As I open my notebook to start my assignment, I looking back to the magazine that Roz handed me earlier. I just checking through the content when I read her review on one book about the journey in her marriage lives. As I read it, i was touched by her reflection's on the book. It remind me of my own situation and experiences.

Who could have guess I reach to this point of life after what I've been through in my lives? Get married, experiences living with in laws, deal with dysfunctional husband, cope with the extra marital committed by my ex husband, cope with my career conflicts, separated with my husband and so on. But yet, here I am, at this point of lives. I believe every decision I made lead me to here, to where I am right now. But in fact, awhile ago I have the irrational believe that I tend to make a 'self-destructive-decision' that lead me to a horrible result. The irrational belief as expected, never help us in any way. However, with a little courage, with a lot of support and help from friends and family, here I am finally and officially divorced, a single mother with one kid, living with family members with the intention to take care of my mom, full time employee, recognize with my area of scope of work in my organization, and a student in Master of counseling.

Am I happy with my life right now? I must admit that I am slowly accept the life that I live in. I am happy with my live now. More happier than the time when I got married to my husband. Even better, I never remember when I am more happier than now. I must admit alot of thing made me worried sometime, but from the point of where I am right now I pretty confidence i am on the right path - kind of promise me that am going to have a fulfill life afterwards. How you know that you on the right path? It is when you feel the positive energy in everything you do and people that surround you :-).

So when I read my friend comments in her review, it also reflect my situation. It remind me how hard for me to get here. To come out from bottom of the mud and finally made it to the surface and became the lotus itself. Along the journey, I was so negative, thinking negative and behave negative. I turn my back from my best friend and keep things on my own inside of my chest. I don't even share it with my family members. I did not makes friend and isolate myself in my own 'cave' and i remember that I was crying almost every night that time. My performance at work was questionable, i have very few friends that can be trusted and my family was worried about me. I even fight almost everyday with my ex-husband. It was a darkest phase of my life that sometime I question myself what is the purpose of my life? Why am I exist in this world? Most of the time I was so stress and feel exhausted and it cross my mind, wouldn't it more easier if I just died?

Maybe I had enough of everything around me. Gradually I come out and pulled myself out from the situation. Slowly I found the meaning of everything happened around me even all the people around me. Suddenly it doesn't feel so overwhelming anymore. I open myself up to more people, I turn back to my friends and my family, I found my spiritual meaning of life and open my door to re-connect myself with people around me. This time with more positive energy. Along the way I meet a lot of great people that makes me wonder, why am I never open my door sooner before? These great people such as my friends , my classmate, my colleagues, good fellow from church....has open my eyes and my mind. If I willing to open myself up, they are more people willing to get in touch with the positive side of me. My friends never stop supporting me in any way they could be, re-connection with my colleagues makes my lives in office more bearable and fun, I never forgot my family support in a way they can support me, my new friends from my classmate all are great people from great background. It such an honor to learn together with them. I just hope that we will continue our friendship. My fellowship from the church and all ready to get in touch with me in the spiritual level. And not to forget, a special one person who always there in every stage of my struggle to find my happiness. Support me and cherish me in anyway he can.

In other word, yeah...I am ready to climb up to another stage of my lives. No one can promise and foresee what is going to happen in the future. But this time, I know that I fully equipped and can't wait to move forward fully swing ;-). My advise to people out there, be positive in every situation you had right now, no matter how bad is your condition. Nobody can cure or help you other than yourself. When you are ready, open yourself to every possibilities out there. You never know what you going  to find, and if you live in positive way and positive manner, you will attract more positiveness into your lives. And if the main door in your life closed upon you, do not be afraid, look around...there are alot more door waiting for you. All you need is just to turn the handle and open the door. You'll be surprise with what you see and how you feel about it.